If someone is in immediate danger or talking about suicide, call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), call 911 or go to the nearest ER. Do not leave a person alone if you believe they may act on it right now.
Part of our guide: Getting Started With Mental Health Care
In most situations, you cannot make an adult get mental health care. SAMHSA, the federal mental health agency, says it plainly: “You can’t force someone to get care,” and the best thing you can do is be there and listen without judgment. That can feel like very little. It often is not. What you can do is keep the door open, lower the practical barriers and know what to do if things become urgent.
New York does have legal options for narrow, serious situations, described below. For most families, though, the work is slower: repeated, respectful conversations.
First, work out how urgent this is
| What you are seeing | What to do |
|---|---|
| Immediate danger to self or others, or a suicide attempt | Call 911 or go to the nearest ER |
| Talk of suicide, or a serious change you are worried about, without immediate danger | Call or text 988 for guidance, including on the person’s behalf |
| In New York City: someone at risk of a psychological crisis who does not need immediate hospitalization | Call 988 and ask about a Mobile Crisis Team |
| Ongoing struggle, no immediate safety concern | Use the conversation steps below |
The city says you can request a Mobile Crisis Team for a family member, friend or acquaintance by calling 988. Teams can provide assessment, crisis counseling and referrals, and take referrals during set daytime hours.
If you are worried about suicide
Asking does not plant the idea. NIMH’s five action steps are: ask directly (“Are you thinking about suicide?”), be there and listen without judgment, help keep them safe by making lethal means less available, help them connect with 988 or someone they trust, and follow up afterward. If the person is a teenager, see teen suicide warning signs.
How to have the conversation
SAMHSA’s guidance on talking with someone about getting help is practical, and much of it comes down to asking more and arguing less.
- Ask open-ended questions. Questions that start with how, what or where give the person room. SAMHSA’s examples include “How would you like things to be different?” and “What do you miss?”
- Get curious about the fear. People refuse care for many reasons: cost, past bad experiences, worry about a diagnosis or a job, not believing anything is wrong. Our piece on why people delay getting help goes through some of them.
- Name strengths. SAMHSA warns that telling someone everything they are doing wrong can close them off to asking for help.
- Repeat back what you heard. “I heard you say you are too tired to look for anyone” shows you listened and corrects misunderstandings.
- Accept a no for today. If they do not want to talk, let them know you will be there when they are ready. SAMHSA notes it may take many conversations.
Make saying yes easier
Once there is even a small opening, practical help can matter more than more persuasion. You might offer to:
- Look up two or three clinicians, so the person only has to choose.
- Sit with them while they call or fill out a form.
- Drive them, or stay nearby during a telehealth visit.
- Find out what their insurance covers.
- Suggest a smaller step than “treatment,” such as one visit to their regular doctor or a single evaluation.
Keep the decision theirs wherever you safely can. Ultimatums and trickery can backfire, and the trust you protect now may be what brings them to you later.
A note on families and substance use
When alcohol or drugs are part of the problem, there is a structured program for relatives called Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT). It teaches family members to change how they respond in ways meant to encourage treatment. Results vary. In one real-world Danish trial that enrolled 249 family members of people with alcohol problems, 60 percent were followed up at three months. Among them, 29 percent of those getting group or individual sessions reported that their loved one had started treatment, compared with 15 percent of those using written material alone, a difference that was not statistically significant. That is no guarantee, and it applies to alcohol problems, not mental health refusal in general. A clinician can tell you whether something like it fits your family. See also family therapy and addiction recovery.
What clinicians can and cannot tell you
Federal privacy rules allow a clinician to share information directly relevant to a family member’s involvement in care when the patient agrees or does not object. When a patient is incapacitated or in an emergency, a clinician may use professional judgment. A clinician may also share information needed to prevent or lessen a serious and imminent threat to someone’s health or safety. So if your adult relative is already in treatment and does not want you involved, the clinician may not be able to tell you much. You can still pass along what you have observed. State rules may add further limits. For minors, parents’ role is different; see minors and consent in New York.
What New York law allows in serious situations
This is a general overview, not legal advice, and rules vary by situation. A family’s wishes alone do not decide any of this. These decisions rest with clinicians and courts.
- Emergency hospital admission. Mental Hygiene Law section 9.39 lets certain hospitals keep a person for up to 15 days when they have a mental illness that calls for immediate hospital care and are likely to cause serious harm. New York defines that harm to include a substantial risk of physical harm to self or others, and from being unable or refusing to meet essential needs such as food, shelter or necessary medical care, because of the illness.
- Assisted Outpatient Treatment (“Kendra’s Law”). Section 9.60 lets a court order community treatment for some adults with a history of not following treatment who are unlikely to participate voluntarily. Criteria are strict, and New York City says almost anyone with personal contact can make a referral, including family and roommates. The list of who can file the court petition is narrower, and includes adult relatives and adults living with the person. The current statute carries a June 30, 2027 repeal date unless lawmakers extend it, so check for updates.
Neither is a quick fix, and both are big steps for a family. If you think either applies, 988, a hospital psychiatric team or the city’s AOT program can tell you more.
Protect your own footing
SAMHSA says it is important to take care of yourself too, because hard conversations and watching someone struggle can be tiring and isolating. Its suggestions include setting specific times to talk, saying clearly what you will and will not do, helping the person identify others they can count on, and finding a support group or local program.
You can also get help yourself even if the other person refuses. Therapy for you can help with boundaries, guilt and what to say next. If the person in question is your partner, read when one partner wants therapy and the other doesn’t.
Where to go from here
If you would like support for yourself, or a way to involve the whole family when someone is ready, family therapy and individual therapy are places to start. Mind Body Seven’s intake team can talk through fit, scheduling and costs.
FAQs
Can I make an appointment for another adult?
You can help with the logistics, but the adult usually has to agree to the care and take part. Asking the person to make the call with you beside them is often the easier way.
Should I contact their therapist or doctor behind their back?
If there is a safety concern, tell someone: 988 or 911 can help, and so can the clinician. For everyday worries, it is usually better to tell the person you plan to reach out. Hidden contact can damage trust.
What if they say nothing is wrong?
Avoid arguing about the label. Talk about what you have noticed, such as missed work or poor sleep, and ask how those things are affecting them. Some people accept help for sleep or stress long before they accept a diagnosis.
When should I stop trying?
You can step back from pushing without stepping back from the person. Keep inviting them to ordinary things, stay in touch, and let them know the offer stands. Any safety concern changes the picture, so use the crisis options above.
