Bullying can seriously affect a child's mental health. The CDC says it increases the risk of depression, anxiety and sleep difficulties, and that it can lead to social and emotional distress and self-harm. The most useful things a parent can do are take it seriously, tell your child it is not their fault, work with the school, and bring in a mental health professional if your child's mood or functioning has changed.
Part of our guide: A Parent’s Guide to Child and Teen Mental Health
If your child talks about suicide or self-harm, or you think they are in danger, call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), call 911, or go to the nearest ER.
What counts as bullying
The CDC defines bullying as unwanted aggressive behavior by another youth or group of youths that involves an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated or highly likely to be repeated. It can happen in person or through technology, which is called electronic bullying or cyberbullying.
It is common. The CDC reports that about one in five high school students were bullied on school property in the past year and more than one in six were bullied electronically. An occasional fight between friends who are on equal footing is usually a different thing. A repeated pattern where one child has more power is what to look out for, though a single serious incident still deserves a response.
Why online bullying can feel inescapable
In-person bullying often stops at the school gate. Online bullying can follow a child home, reach a wide audience, and be saved and shared again. Children may also say nothing because they fear losing their phone. Before you ask about it, make it clear that telling you will not cost them their device.
How bullying can affect a child's mental health
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) says children who are bullied experience real suffering that can interfere with their social and emotional development and school performance. AACAP also says some bullied children have attempted suicide.
That does not mean every bullied child will develop a disorder. AACAP says seeking professional help earlier can lessen the risk of lasting emotional consequences. It does mean you should watch how your child is doing, both during the bullying and after it ends.
Signs your child may be being bullied
Many children do not tell an adult. They may feel ashamed or worry that reporting will make things worse. Things to notice include:
- Becoming withdrawn or depressed, or reluctant to go to school (signs AACAP names)
- A drop in schoolwork or grades
- Stomachaches or headaches, particularly on school mornings
- Sleep changes or nightmares
- Losing friends, avoiding activities they used to like, or eating lunch alone
- Unexplained damage to belongings or lost items
- Getting upset after using a phone or computer, or suddenly hiding screens
School refusal often has several causes, and bullying is one to check for. The article on school avoidance covers the others.
What to do at home
- Stay calm and listen. Ask what happened and how long it has been going on. Your first reaction teaches your child whether it is safe to tell you more.
- Say it clearly. AACAP advises reassuring your child that the bullying is not their fault and that telling you was the right move.
- Do not tell them to fight back. AACAP advises against this. It suggests walking away or going to a trusted adult, and practicing at home what to say and how to respond assertively.
- Help them stay connected. AACAP notes bullies are less likely to target children who are with friends. Activities outside school can also give your child a place to feel good about themselves.
- Save the evidence. Keep screenshots of messages and posts with dates, plus notes about what happened in person. Report online content to the platform.
- Agree on the next step together. Tell your child what you plan to do, and include them where you can. If there is a safety risk, you may need to act even if they would prefer you did not. Explain why.
What New York schools must do
New York's Dignity for All Students Act covers public elementary and secondary schools. The law's definition of harassment or bullying includes cyberbullying, and it can reach conduct off school property when that conduct creates, or would foreseeably create, a risk of substantial disruption at school and it is foreseeable it might reach school property.
Here is what the law and the State Education Department's guide provide:
- A named contact. Every school must designate at least one trained Dignity Act Coordinator, and share that person's name and contact information with families.
- Parents can report. Students, persons in parental relation and school employees can file a report with the coordinator. Anonymous reports must still be investigated.
- Staff must pass reports on. Under Education Law section 13, employees who witness or receive a report must orally notify the principal, superintendent or designee within one school day and file a written report within two school days after that.
- Investigation and action. Reports must get a prompt, thorough investigation. If bullying is verified, the school must take prompt actions reasonably calculated to end it, prevent it from happening again, and protect the students affected.
How to approach the school
- Put your report in writing, with dates and specifics, and keep a copy.
- Ask who is investigating and when you will hear back.
- Ask what will change for your child during the school day. AACAP suggests asking about supervision in places like playgrounds and lunchrooms.
- Do not contact the other child yourself. Go through the school.
- If the response stalls, go up to the principal and then the district.
Rules vary, and independent and religious schools may follow different policies, so ask for your school's written policy. This is general information, not legal advice. If there are threats or you believe a crime was committed, contact the police as well. New York's law requires schools to notify law enforcement when conduct may be criminal.
When to get professional help
Consider an evaluation if your child:
- Has been withdrawn, low, irritable or anxious for weeks, even after the bullying has stopped
- Is avoiding school, or grades have fallen
- Is having sleep problems, panic or frequent physical complaints
- Has lost confidence or talks about themselves in harsh terms
- Has mentioned self-harm or not wanting to be alive (see the crisis steps above)
Therapy may help a child process what happened, rebuild confidence and practice responding to difficult peers, and it can treat any anxiety, depression or trauma symptoms. A clinician can also coordinate with school staff if you agree. See how therapists and schools work together.
If your child is the one bullying
This is hard to hear, and it is worth responding to. AACAP says children who bully may be depressed, angry or upset about problems at school or home, warns that without intervention bullying can lead to serious academic, social, emotional and legal difficulties, and recommends seeking help early from a pediatrician, teacher, principal or school counselor. If the behavior continues, AACAP suggests a comprehensive evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other mental health professional. The CDC says youth who bully others are at increased risk for substance misuse, academic problems and later violence, and that youth who both bully others and are bullied themselves suffer the most serious consequences and are at greater risk for mental health and behavioral problems.
If bullying has affected your child's mood, sleep or school life, the child and adolescent psychiatry and therapy page explains the options at Mind Body Seven. Family therapy may also help when the stress has spread through the household.
FAQs
What if my child begs me not to tell the school?
Listen to the fear behind it, which is often that things will get worse. Talk through what you will say and how the school can act discreetly. If there is a safety risk, you may need to go ahead, and you should explain why.
Does New York law cover cyberbullying that happens at home?
It can. Education Law section 11 covers some off-property conduct that creates or would foreseeably create a risk of substantial disruption at school. Ask your school how it applies. This is general information, not legal advice.
Should I contact the other child's parents?
It is usually better to go through the school, since direct contact can escalate things. If you already have a good relationship with that family, ask the school what it suggests first.
Should I take my child's phone away?
Removing the phone can feel like a punishment for being targeted and may stop your child telling you things. Blocking, privacy settings and agreed breaks from the apps are gentler first steps to discuss together.
