Apology Accepted

Written By: Heather Rolland, LCSW and Dr. Beata Lewis

Much has been published on the topic of apologizing. Dr. Aaron Lazare’s On Apology is a meticulous exploration of apologies in an exhaustive range of settings, from children to the workplace, to corporate apologies aimed at restoring public good will. Lazare’s work provides the basis for this article, but a quick google search will serve up an assortment of shorter articles in various online journals, full of useful summaries and suggestions.

How to apologize is a skill that can be learned, both in terms of general “dos and don’ts” and specific building blocks of a thorough and healing apology. Apologizing so carefully may feel uncomfortably scripted at first, especially if you’re unaccustomed to being this mindful and accurate with words. With practice, it gets easier.

Before we dive into the four main aspects of an apology, some general considerations are worth reviewing. First, the purpose of an apology is to attend to the other person’s feelings. It’s a time to acknowledge, repair or heal, and show compassion for the distress you caused. Owning your own role in hurting someone you care about can be uncomfortable at best, and our attempts to avoid this discomfort often derail our efforts to apologize. It might help to sit with your own feelings of guilt or shame, if they come up, before trying to articulate an apology.

Apologies are about acknowledging another’s experience. You don’t have to share the experience or “agree” with it to acknowledge it. You may perceive the event or interaction differently, but the apology isn’t the moment to seek equal time to share that different point of view. Trust that once you’ve apologized, and processed the incident, if the need to share your perspective still feels potent, you can do so.

Apologies don’t include caveats or disclaimers. Look for the word “if” as in: “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.” An apology that includes the “if” feels less genuine, and can even feel like a thinly veiled accusation. If you’re not sure whether or not you’ve caused pain, ask “have I hurt your feelings?” If the answer is yes, apologize without reservation.

Apologies are a great opportunity to use “I statements.” I statements make owning what you’ve done, and owning your remorse, relatively easy and straightforward. If you’re struggling with how to phrase it, the simpler the better. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” is an excellent place to start.

Before we look at each of these components in more detail, let’s look at a couple of well-articulated apologies:

“I’m sorry I interrupted you. I cut you off mid-sentence. Doing that was rude of me and hurt your feelings. I feel bad for treating you rudely.”

“I broke your favorite coffee mug this morning. I’m sorry; I know you liked the way it fit in your hand. I feel terrible for using it without asking.”

The first component of a healing apology is an explicit confirmation of what happened. By describing the event in your apology, you’re validating the other person’s experience, confirming their experience of having been hurt or harmed. It might seem like stating the obvious to do this so bluntly, but way too often in problematic apologies, we seek to minimize our own discomfort using denial. Restating what happened leaves no room for doubt; it’s a way of demonstrating your understanding. To fail to do this may inadvertently contribute to a sense of being gaslit. If an apology contains elements of denial or minimization, it may do more harm than good.

The second part is to clearly articulate the apology. The words “I’m sorry,” or “I apologize” need to be delivered. Don’t dance around it, dress it up, or bury it in extra words. This is the core of an apology and needs to be said.

In addition, take ownership of the impact. In most instances, the lack of intent to hurt is assumed. You don’t need to assure the injured party that you didn’t mean it: they know. Intent isn’t the issue here. Impact is. By clearly stating that you understand the impact you have had on the injured party, you are once again validating their experience. Feeling validated can ease the original hurt and may lay the groundwork for forgiveness.

Lastly, share your remorse. Let the injured party know that you feel bad about what you’ve done. Use those I statements. Frequently, relationships in which we unintentionally cause hurt and need to apologize are close ones, and it’s easy to assume that we don’t want to cause grief or pain to those we love. It’s helpful to say so, to express your honest and vulnerable feelings about what you’ve done. Remember, though, this isn’t about you, so in expressing your remorseful feelings, be careful to own them without seeking some sort of emotional tit for tat.

After apologizing, explore how the situation can be remedied. “What can I do to make it up to you?” might be an appropriate question, particularly in work-related situations.

Misunderstandings and miscommunications happen. Human communication is fallible and flawed and we just can’t help the occasional stumble into hurt feelings. Learning to apologize well and comfortably, without shame or awkwardness, is a prime skill of adulting. With practice, it can become second nature.

However, if you find that you are apologizing (or hoping to receive an apology) more often than you feel you should be, perhaps there are aspects of your communication style or personal history that are getting in your way. Therapy is an excellent place to explore unproductive or uncomfortable patterns of communication. With guidance from a skilled professional, you may be able to change those patterns. To discuss issues like these further, please email us at info@mindbody7.com.

Mind Body Seven clinicians offer treatment in Brooklyn and via teletherapy for adolescents and adults. If have not worked with us and want to get started please contact us here, so we can set you up with the clinicians that best suit your individual needs. If you are an existing patient get in touch with us here to set up your next appointment.