This blog is another in our series about couples counseling. If you’re not familiar with Imago Couples Therapy, it might be useful to first check out the previous blog post that provides an overview of the approach. This current review will give a more in-depth explanation for the Imago Dialogue, including what it is exactly, what it involves, and what to expect if your couples therapist asks you to engage with this technique.
What is the Imago Dialogue?
The Imago Dialogue is a key part of Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT). This approach was developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix, who observed connections between difficult early childhood experiences and problems in adult relationships. Those early experiences often leave one or both partners in the couple with some “core issues” that can negatively affect the relationship if left unaddressed.
Couples therapists who practice with the Imago approach believe that many people have one or more “emotional walls” that grew out of life experiences and which prevent their connection with others. Once built, these emotional walls may show up automatically, without conscious intent, and their purpose is usually to help the person feel a sense of safety in their relationships. However, those walls often create problems by being fixed and rigid, which can then prevent any kind of meaningful emotional connection.
Imago counselors believe that there is a solution to the barrier of these “emotional walls,” which can be achieved through good communication. Imago therapists believe that when you communicate well with your partner, you can break down those barriers and connect on deeper levels in order to heal old pains. However, when someone’s walls are up, it can be very difficult to communicate at all and guidance may be necessary in order to move forward.
This is where the Imago Dialogue helps. It is a communication tool intended to provide the necessary guidance for communication. It was designed around the idea that everyone has their own perception of “reality” that is valid and true for them. In relationships, couples can sometimes forget that each other’s perspective is equally valid and valuable. This causes people to lose empathy for one another during times of disagreement or argument which can then lead partners to withdraw behind these constructed “walls.”
Listening is a key component of the Imago Dialogue that helps couples to develop empathy and understanding. Often when people have discussions, they listen only as much as they need to in order to develop their response. In doing so, both parties may miss what the other person is really saying. Both parties may also be wrapped up in their own response so that they can choose the “right” words that will help them “win” the argument. With this approach, neither partner “wins” and in fact both loose as they miss out on more meaningful connections.
Engaging in the Imago Dialogue under the guidance of a therapist helps couples to learn how to listen and move past the walls that hinder their communication. In the context of therapy, the increased safety of the psychotherapy setting may help couples to let down their guards. The therapist can also help partners to speak and hear one another. By learning and using the Imago Dialogue in psychotherapy, the couple can make gains in their relationship which they can maintain outside of therapy through continued use of the techniques.
How does the Imago Dialogue Work?
When couples decide to engage with the Imago Dialogue, one of the first things they must do is agree to a ground rule. The ground rule states that each party is to talk one at a time and in turns. This allows for having a speaker and a listener. In the Imago Dialogue, the speaker is considered to be “sending” while the listener is considered to be “receiving.”
While in the listening or “receiving” role, there are three important tasks for you to do: Mirror, Validate, and Empathize.
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MirrorDuring Mirroring, when the speaking partner pauses, the listener will repeat back what they have heard (this can be done in paraphrasing). Most importantly, there can be no analyzing, critiquing, interpreting or modifying of what was heard. Repeating gives the listener an opportunity to check their understanding of what was said and to ask for more information if necessary. It is not a time, however, for the listener to respond to what was said.
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ValidateNext, during a pause and when the speaker or “Sender” indicates they have no more to say, the listener or “Receiver” will validate what they have heard. In the Imago Dialogue form of validation, the Receiver is confirming that what they heard makes sense to them and that they understand it. In the case that something was not understood, the receiver can ask questions for clarification. It can be helpful for the Receiver to ask focused questions and, again, request more information. The key here is to let the speaker know that they make sense and that they are “not crazy” to feel what they feel and see things the way they see considering their logic. The listener does not need to agree with the points just to understand the other person’s perspective.
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EmpathizeThe third thing that the Receiver must do is to consider what the Sender might be feeling and show empathy for those emotional reactions. One way to do this is by using phrases such as “I imagine you feel…” followed by a feeling word (happy, sad, angry, etc.). At this point the Receiver can ask for confirmation that the Sender does indeed feel this way. In the case that the Sender feels something different, this can be clarified for the Receiver, and the couple can then engage with more mirroring and validating as needed.
Once the Sender has said all they wish to say and the Receiver has Mirrored, Validated, and Empathized, the process happens again but in reverse. Now the partners swap roles and the person who has been in the Receiver role will now respond by sharing whatever they are thinking and feeling. At this point, the person who had been in the Sender role starts listening, Mirroring, Validating, and Empathizing. The parties continue to talk about the initial topic, just in new roles. It is important for the Sender to express their feelings in simple one word feeling words and to describe events in a way that a video camera may be able to record and to avoid jumping into blaming or interpretations.
Final Recommendations
When done right, the Imago Dialogue will take a couple past arguing and into a useful dialogue that allows for true understanding and connection. This kind of communication allows partners to connect more meaningfully, uncover sources of pain, and ultimately improve their relationship.
While it is possible to employ this approach at home, many couples find that it is easy to fall back into old, entrenched communication patterns. When this is the case, couples counseling is a great resource that can provide a safe environment to try out these new skills. It also allows for a third party to assist in the learning and use of the Imago Dialogue, so that partners can continue to use these techniques on their own. When old and unhelpful patterns show up during counseling sessions, a therapist can bring it to the couples’ attention and help them get back into the Imago Dialogue technique.
If your relationship communication patterns are unhelpful or unhealthy, you might consider attending couples counseling and learning better communication skills. Most couples counselors can integrate the Imago Dialogue along with other approaches to make sure the entire relationship is strengthened.
